Heartbeat
by HMxEB4ever
Summary: Lily asks Remus and Sirius if they are dating, and suddenly the two won't speak to each other. Lily trys to get them to reconsile, but what if she can't? How do you get people to accept each other if they can't accept themselves? Slash rated for language
1. Chapter 1

_I wrote this a few months back, just the first chapter, after finishing the book _My Heartbeat_ which was really pretty, and kinda said, and very, very good. Being home sick means I have time to actually work on my stories, so I started chapter two. But I shant post until I get atleast ten reviews!! _

_ALSO, I tried to kinda reverse roles here. I tend to really make Remi weak and feminine, but I thought I should try and make him more butch. I always thought he'd be the first of the Marauders to smoke…. _

It was a cold-ish Saturday during the winter holidays, and the Marauders plus Lily were lounging about in their room.

James was finishing a story. "And THAT is why we're not allowed in the third floor men's bathroom."

"What can I say?" Sirius grinned, "Remus and I thought that would be the perfect place for a pipe bomb."

"Yeah, well you and your little wife-y are stupid." James narrowed his eyes. Lily laughed a little

"All right, Remus, truth or dare?" Lily asked him through her giggles. Remus thought about this, leaning his head against Sirius.

"Truth."

"Um…" Lily looked about, and James sent her a warning look. He knew what she was going to ask, and didn't want her to. "How long have, er, you and Sirius been a couple?"

The room became very, very, incredibly painfully quiet. "Sirius?" James broke in, loudly to move the topic along. "Why'd you start smoking?"

"First off, you didn't ask me truth or dare you twat." Sirius stuck his tongue out, inching away from Remus. "Second off, because everyone was doing it, and Moony got me hooked."

"That's a lame excuse." Peter interjected. "'sides, no one else was smoking!!"

"We're not." Remus said quietly, looking at the ground with sad eyes. "A couple I mean, we're not a couple."

"But I assumed—" Lily began.

"Yeah, well you know what they say about assuming." Sirius cut her off, acid in his voice. "Besides,_ I'm_ not gay, Rem is though."

Remus glared at him. Lily wondered if this was something that had gone on for a very long time. She had always thought Remus and Sirius were in love. Even in first year, when she didn't quite grasp what that meant.

"Why am I gay, yet you're not?" Remus demanded."What makes me gayer than you?"

"Because unlike you,_ I_ haven't slept with anybody!" Sirius almost shouted.

"Well that doesn't make you straight, does it?" The werewolf snarled.

"It sure as hell doesn't make me a fucking queer." Sirius countered, standing up.

"Er… Peter, truth or dare?" James tried again to move the topic away from the growing argument between the two boys.

"Sorry, I'm leaving." Remus said. "I don't like the company particularly." He stormed out, pausing only for a moment to slam the door.

"Yeah, well, FUCK YOU!!" Sirius shouted after him. The raven haired stomped across the room and locked himself in the bathroom.

"I'll go after Remus…" Lily whispered. "And um, sorry…"

James sighed. "Yeah, it's fine. Bound to happen again, eh Wormtail? Don't worry about it Lily, Pete and I can handle Padders." He half-heartedly smiled at his girlfriend.

"Remus?" Lily called out, her breath visible in the winter air.

A way off, she saw a figure move. "Lily?" it inquired and she nodded, running up to a coatless Remus, and cigarette between his vaguely blue lips.

"Hey, um, I'm sorry." She told him, trying not to breath in the smoke.

Remus looked down at his feet a little sadly. "It's fine…" He sighed heavily. "It's not the first time."

After a pause, Lily asked him, "Have you really… you know…?"

"Had sex? Heh, yeah…" Remus sounded almost embarrassed. "Did you know that seventh year three years back? Alexx with two x's, the Ravenclaw?" Lily nodded. "Yeah, um, him…"

"Oh… um… oh…" was all the redhead could manage.

"It was just a one night stand, we were both kind of drunk…" Remus shrugged.

"It was fourth year?" Lily said, shocked. "What were you doing drunk?"

Remus laughed a little at her reaction (a little, oh so naive, sort of laugh), "Lily, I think you are amongst a incredibly small minority of people in our year who didn't start drinking _third_ year!"

"I know, but I always thought YOU of all people—"

"Would the first Marauder to start smoking? Sirius didn't start until almost six months later! I'm the anti-straight edge."Remus shook his head.

Lily stared at him; Sirius was the first person she knew to smoke. She was now very disillusioned. Remus always seemed so… buttoned down. "Wow, I've been wrong about a ton today… But, are you actually…um… well… "

"Yes, Lily, yes. I'm gay."

"Oh, and, um, Sirius?"

"Will die sad and alone, or with some bird he doesn't really love." Remus growled bitterly, throwing his cigarette onto the ground and grinding into the snow with the heel of his shoe. "Because he doesn't have balls enough to see what's in front of his sodding nose."

"Which is?" Lily asked.

Remus blushed a little, or maybe it was the cold finally bringing pink to his scarred cheeks. "Me…" he said, biting his lip at his immodesty. "He won't admit that he's not in love with me."

"How do you know he is?" The girl demanded. She had a sad feeling that Remus was lying to himself about Sirius.

"Because," the boy responded carefully, "otherwise, why does he call my name out when he sleeps?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Gah… I wrote chapter two, then the wonderful _evil-sami-poo_ asked if the next chapter would be a bit of Padders and company-ish interaction. Which is what I should have done in the first place, but did I? No… So thank you sami, you are amazing._

…_anyways, chapter two! It's here! It loves you! It wants to be your new best friend!! (It has unrealistic expectations in a best friend, best not to befriend it at all…)_

_As always, I own nothing._

"Sirius?" James cooed to the bathroom door. "Oh Siiirius! Open the door so miser Wormtail and I can speak with youuuu…"

"Fuck off." Sirius replied from the other side of the door, and though he knew they couldn't see it, he made an obscene gesture.

"But Sirius, won't you just—"

"NO James. I'm annoyed. Really, totally pissed off. I don't want to deal with either of you, or Red, and I defiantly don't want to deal with fucking Remus." The raven haired boy half-shouted.

"See?" Peter pointed out, "When you say things like 'fucking Remus,' that's where people get the idea that you two are—"

"Shut the hell up, Pete." Sirius cut him off, poison in his voice. "Go lose some weight THEN we'll talk."

"Twat." Peter replied. "It's not MY fault you're in love with Remus."

"He's not." James pointed out.

"Well, he's not NOT in love with Remus," the fat boy insisted. "Otherwise all his crude humor would feature girls—"

"—And he'd always be hanging off some bird—"James added.

"—He MIGHT actually date a girl for more than a month—"

"—he may yet get married, and if he wasn't gay, he wouldn't call Moony's name each night—" James continued, relishing in the angry sounds coming from the closed bathroom. "—and you'd be denying that you loved him."

There were only two people, Sirius thought, that he wanted to kill with his own two hands. This list was now up to four, and James was the new very tip top. "Get this through your thick skulls you pricks. I AM NOT A POOFTER!"

"Fine," Peter mumbled, "you don't have to shout. I wasn't the one that asked… this time…" The fat boy pushed himself up, walking out of the dorm, mumbling all the way.

"Mate, I get it. But remember, I'm always around if you need to talk. Unless I'm snogging Lily, then you're on your own. But I'm fine with whatever you—"

"I'm not James; I'm really, really not." James fell silent; there was something sad, desperate about the way Sirius was talking to him. It wasn't the Sirius he was used to. It wasn't the loud, obnoxious, bullheaded, impulsive, can-smile-his-way-through-anything Sirius that James had come to know over the past few years. "I'm tired of people thinking I am…"

James opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't think of the words. How do you say I'm sorry for what everyone says? It doesn't make anything better if you, one person, say it, it takes the whole world to say it all at once, and actually MEAN it. And that will never happen. Never, ever.

"Can you leave now?" Sirius whispered, almost inaudibly. "I'd really like to be alone."

--

Sirius sat with his back against the bathroom door. What WRONG with everyone?

He knew everyone, or at least a lot of people, liked Remus, and that was what always got in trouble. And that was what had certainly what had gotten him into this mess.

Last year, sixth year, Remus had done something stupid, and then Sirius did something much, much worse to get back at him, then Remus had…

"I absolutely adore you. I do, really! I-I can't think of how I'll live if we aren't talking, and I know you won't ever feel the same, but if we can't even be friends I'll—" the memory Remus told him, his voice quavering. "I'll kill myself!! You're the only thing keeping me sane, and I love you!"

Memory Sirius hadn't known how to respond except reassuring the other boy that they could still be friends. And Sirius did like being around Moony.

Moony was so- well, just so MOONY. He was a Prefect… who got high out of his mind on the weekends, and had random affairs with any guy he could find who would have a random affair with him. But then he got perfect grades, and every teacher loved him, and he was so freaking NICE to everyone. Which is probably why people loved him…

AND THAT IS WHAT HAD GOTTEN SIRIUS INTO THIS MESS!!

"I don't love you, Remus." Not-memory, but present-Sirius, whispered. "But I don't not love you…" he added, just in case...

_Ten more reviews plz? You'd be my new favorite set of ten people!!_


	3. Chapter 3

_Mm'kay. So… Happy spring break! (for me). Yay! _

_Last week was a shitty week. I was sick (I am ill quite often). My girlfriend is sick. I had stupid standardized testing. And my mam made me report someone for sexual abuse because they groped me as a way of greeting. GREAT. *rolls eyes* Then this week was spring break, which would have been nice had the abusive asshole not come home. Ow… shoulders… _

_I cannot vouge for how this chapter is, it may totally suck (like this week). If that is the case, please let me know, and I'll write a new chappy... _

_As always, I own nothing but the plot, and the OCs, who need only exist for this story, then shall be killed. *narrows eyes* _

_Oh, and also… 3-2-1… TIME SKIP!!!_

"mm, James?" Lily asked, pulling up for air.

"Yeah?" James breathed, adjusting his glasses, "Let me guess, you love snogging me?"

"No, well, _yes. _Of course. But I was wondering…"

James sighed. He knew this girl too well sometimes. "Nope."

"They're still not talking?" Lily gasped. Lily hadn't been very close to the Marauders for very long, but she couldn't think of a time when Remus and Sirius hadn't been talking. And they now hadn't spoken for a solid week, which had ended their winter holiday very quietly.

"It's not surprising." James said, pushing Lily up, and shifting to a sitting position. "They went without talking for a month or so last year." Lily cocked her head to one side. "Honestly, how did you miss that? Sni—" his girlfriend glared, "SNAPE. They didn't talk at all… Merlins Lily! How out of it were _you_?"

"I wasn't! I mean, I knew that Severus was in the Hospital wing for a while, but he wouldn't tell me why. What happened?" she demanded.

"Can't we just go back to snogging?" James asked, rubbing a hand through his hair.

"James," Lily crossed her arms, and shifted away from him, "I think you should trust me."  
James sighed heavily. "Fine, I'll tell you what I'm allowed to tell you. Remus did something… poof-ish, and Sirius did something stupid in return, to Moony and Sni-Snape. Then Moony said something, and they went back to talking."

"Poof-ish?"

"Yup."

"Well… what'd he do?" Lily asked.

"Not mine to tell love. You'll have to ask them."

"I guess I will." Lily sighed, getting off of James's bed.

James stood up after her. "Wait! Aren't we going to snog some more?"

"No. This is more important!" Lily replied.

"Bloody tease…" James whispered. "Hey, I know you're in love with Moony and all, but PLEASE don't mingle! You'll only mess it up more!" he called after her, but she didn't hear, or if she did, she didn't react.

--

"Sirius."

"Red?" Sirius asked, as the girl pulled him aside.

"Listen about Re—"

Sirius sighed. "We are not discussing this," he pushed her aside. "I've got plans, see you." He waved slightly, walking down the hall.

"This isn't the end of the discussion!" she hollered after him.

"I think it is."

--

"Remus?" Lily moaned.

Remus looked up from his book. "Yeah?"

The girl pouted out her lower lip. "Sirius hates me, and James won't tell me what I need to know."

"He doesn't hate you, what do you need to know?" Remus went back to his book, keeping half his mind Lily.

"He does so, and why weren't you and Sirius talking last year?"

Remus thought for a moment, running a hand through his brown hair, but not taking his eyes off this book. "A couple of reasons that amounted into one silly action on my part."

"Which means?"

Remus sighed, putting his book down. Sadly, it dawned on him that she wasn't going to let him finish reading his book as long as Lily was here. "Must we talk about this?"

"YES." She said loudly, receiving a dirty look from Madam Pince.

"It was rhetorical," he emphasized the last word. "Can you at LEAST let me finish _The Taming of the Shrew_ before you force your questions on me?"

"Oh come on, we both know you've read every one of Shakespeare's plays at _least _five times."

"Six."

"Whatever. Come on, please? What happened?" she whined.

Remus stood up from his chair, knocking Lily to the ground. "Fine, come on, I am not talking about this in the library," he whispered angrily, leading the girl out of the library.

Lily was quite pleased with herself. It was true, what her friends always said, if you push a man, even a little, he'll fold. Still beaming, she glanced out a window as Remus dragged her through the halls.

"Oh…" she said faintly, stopping. "That's what he meant by plans…"

"What who meant by plans?" Remus turned, "Are you coming?" he looked out the window that Lily was standing in front of. He took in a sharp breathe, then grabbed Lily's hand, dragging her away.

"Oh, Remus, I'm so sorr—"

"It is fine," he cut her off.

"No, it's not!"

"Yes it is. Trust me, I'm used to it, come on." He pulled on her hand again.

Lily took a final glance out the window. Below, on the castle grounds, Sirius and a sixth year Ravenclaw girl were entwined, snogging in the snow.

The redhead felt like crying, but she noticed there was hardly a change in Remus' scarred face as he marched away from where the boy he was in love with was dry-humping a girl down below…


End file.
